Friday, July 19, 2013

A letter to my 13 year old self.

This week, I am very excited to be a part of my very first Secret Subject Swap (Take 2!) that is put together every month by Karen over at Baking in a Tornado. In fact, it is becoming such a huge success, that she had to do it twice this month! Some of my very favorite bloggers have contributed in the past and some do every month! I am honored to be able to join in!

My subject was given to me by It's Yummilicious! - Have you ever shoplifted or been tempted to shoplift? What did you steal (or want to steal)?

The answer is unfortunately yes. To give you more of the story, I have decided to write a letter to my 13 year old self. She wasn't very nice... In fact, she wasn't very nice until she hit about 18... She needs a serious kick up the butt...

Some names have been changed or omitted to protect their identities ;) I have thrown a few translations in there too seeing as I grew up in England!

Dear 13 year old me,

Guess who! No wait, never mind, you'll never get it. It's me! Wait... No! It's you! It's you in 18 years time! I know, it's crazy huh? I am writing to you today, to give you a little piece of my mind... After several rather unfortunate events in life, I need to let rip a little.

This is the year you are going to start thinking that you are all that and a bag of chips. You are going to drive Mom crazy. When you grow up, you are going to wonder how the hell she didn't bury you in a 5'5 foot box in the back yard. You are going to thank her profusely for not doing so.

One of the things that you should most definitely reconsider, is this:

In a few months, you, C and L (your best friend, who is STILL your best friend, but you don't get to see her all that often anymore since you moved 3000 miles away to America) will be in Superdrug in town (Translation: Rite Aid) you will bump into K who has pockets full of free awesomeness that she has been pilfering from different stores all day long. She will make it sound easy. You, C & L will go into Superdrug and begin to eye up the things that you have always wanted. You will settle on this:

Anyone remember this?
You will casually look around and put it up the sleeve of your jacket. L and C are somewhere else in the store. You meet up with them and then nonchalantly walk out the door. 10 steps down the road and you feel a hand on your shoulder... Your blood will run cold. C runs and gets away (bitch) L cries and you both get to do the walk of shame back to Superdrug. The store calls the police. One BIG thing that you must remember here is that you currently live in a VERY small town. Most people know who you are, so when the police turn up and shove you in the back of a police car, the embarrassment you will feel when you see people laughing and pointing at you and L will probably shame you for the rest of your life.

When you get to the police station, I advise you not to tell the policeman that if he calls Mom, he will be coming back to the house by morning to investigate your murder. He won't believe you, in fact he will laugh.

He will only issue you with a caution... But, no matter how much you beg, plead, offer up your first born... HE WILL CALL MOM.

Do you know how you have just been released from grounding hell that lasted for 6 months from your last f up? You are gonna get another 6 months. She will not be happy. L's Mom will have to act as a barricade between you and her to stop her from pulling your brains out through your nostrils. As always, L gets off scott free.

You won't really see C anymore... And K gets caught by her parents a few weeks later when they find the stash under her bed. For the next year (when you are released from groundage... Again) every time you knock on the door, she will be washing dishes. Her parents weren't happy either... She got a year and a half! (Which even now, I find to be a little harsh... But still)

Your life of crime is extremely short lived and not all that successful. So, I plead with you to save us from the horrible experience and go and borrow $10 from Mom to buy the stupid perfume THAT YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE!!

Anyway, I must get on to bed now... Our Son will be awake in a few hours. Yes, I said Son... He is two and a half and if the terrible two's don't quit soon, I might try and find a way to transport him back in time to you for a bit. THAT might make you keep your legs closed throughout your teenage years. But that's a story for another time.

Talk soon,


A much wiser 31 year old you

There are 11 brave bloggers in total participating in the months swap, please take a minute to visit them too!

Thanks for stopping by!

Baking in a Tornado
Dawn's Disaster
Crazy as Normal
Black Sheep Mom
Raising Reagan
A Working Mom's "Woahs"
Indian American Mom
Home on Deranged
Just a Little Nutty
It's Yummilicious

Friday, June 28, 2013

Hidden Talents

So the saying, "Sometimes what you want, isn't always what you get" (is that a saying? Or did I make it up?) rings very true. 'Specially in the PJ household.

I feel sorry for my Son, he has one of the most un-artistic Mothers on the planet. I'm good with computer stuff, but give me a pencil and a crayon? I SUCK!

Today, I made my husband help me with something. He started laughing hysterically when I asked him, because he knows all about my talents... Let's just say that it's not why he married me!

My Son is obsessed with Hot Wheels at the moment. They are everywhere, all over the house... Just ask my ass, she'll tell you stories of finding herself slammed hard into the ground at 2am when all she wanted to do was poop, but that's a story for another day. I was browsing the internet last night and I came across an amazing Road Rug that would look fantastic in his bedroom, I was imagining his face light up with joy when he saw it and the endless hours of Gordon Ramsay shows that I could watch in peace, with only the pleasant sounds of 2 year old enjoyment floating through the air from his room. It was short lived because I saw the price and nearly fell over... This dream in my head was going to have to wait a while... BUT THEN! I had an idea! I thought to myself, "I'm a pretty crafty person... I can MAKE a temporary one until I can afford the real thing!" I taped a bunch of printer paper together in a square so that it fit under the glass on my coffee table and the Hubs and I got to work. We worked on it for a good couple of hours, I drew a road, some sheep and a pond, a traffic circle and a very realistic looking fence! My hubs drew a barn and some trees (which were actually pretty good!) and when we were done, I trotted happily up the road to pick my Son up from pre-school. I got there and told him that I had an awesome surprise for him at home! He was excited. We got in the front door and up the stairs and he looked around the room eagerly, searching for this great surprise! I told him to go look at the coffee table. He ran over and his eyes settled on the epic awesomeness. He let out a big "Woooooooooooow", and then, it came... The big blue eyes looking up at me... "Where's da suppise Mommy?"


Oh well. I tried.

He failed to see the intricate detail

I mean, he couldn't have done any better, right?

The hubs plan for the new house. I'm thinking drafty...
So there you have it. I don't think I made Martha Stewart very proud. Or any of those crafty Moms that have a kid hanging off of every orifice but STILL manage to create things from the craftiest pins on Pinterest and make them look even more awesome than the picture.

Sorry kid.

Are you a talented bunch out there?

Monday, June 24, 2013

Wedding Etiquette Gone Wild, Bridezilla Style...

Photo Credit:
The other day, I came across this article here and I am STILL shaking my head at the absolute audacity of these women! The article is about a guy who was invited to the wedding of 2 women, they weren't exactly good friends, but he used to be her boss at a restaurant. Anyway... Him and his girlfriend bought them a wedding gift. It was a wicker gift basket filled with an array of different foods, most of them gourmet, they also threw in a few fun items on top, sour patch kids, marshmallow fluff, etc. Quite a cute gift idea I thought!

 Apparently though, the extremely SELF ENTITLED 'brides' didn't think that this gift was at all appropriate because it wasn't money. They basically said that he was a cheap skate and that they are now out of pocket because the meals for him and his girlfriend cost $99 a plate, they were treated to a beautiful venue, they ate steak and chicken and people haven't given gifts like that since about 50 years ago, therefore, the gift should have cost at least a couple of hundred dollars to make up for that fact. You can see the string of emails that were sent by clicking here.

Are you shaking your head like me?

I am very interested in other peoples opinions on this because to me, a wedding is about sealing your love with your significant other and sharing the experience with all of your loved ones. To me, gifts are optional. Not necessary. Say I invited you to my wedding. I chose to have my wedding reception at the Ritz Carlton and the meals were to cost around $100. You didn't make me choose that venue, nor should you have to cover the cost of the meal that I basically invited you to eat!

That would be like me inviting you round to my house and making you pay an entry fee to cover the cost of dinner and drinks and maybe even a separate cover fee to watch a movie, seeing as you are making use of my cable and sofa and I paid for them mofo's! And then I have to clean up after your messy ass, so hey! That's an extra $10! I ain't cheap you know!

Gah! People make me so mad!! To me, these women are quite possibly the most self entitled assholes on the planet. I sure hope they are embarrassed!!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Growing Old Gracelessly

Before I go on, it's my 31st birthday on Wednesday and I know this isn't old. I know that I am still considered to be a 'spring chicken' of sorts. I did just realize though, that I am now closer to my 40's than I am to my 20's. This is quite a scary thought to me because I am not quite sure where the last 15 years went! I have actually achieved quite a lot in that time, I left school at 16 and made some HUGE mistakes, I learned from them, I fell down several times, I picked myself back up. I moved to a new country, I got married, I had a baby, made some more mistakes, fell down some more and finally, I seem to be experiencing some normalcy and my family and I finally have some stuff to look forward to. I am currently working on my fried brain! Haha.

I was also thinking about how I grew up. I grew up in a family of women who were and still are so paranoid about their age! It's crazy! I actually spent 10 years of my early life believing that my Grandma was 48! I cottoned on eventually (duh!) but to be quite honest, I still don't know her 'exact' age. I know she is over 70, you would never know it though! This is a woman who still wore leather pants 10 years ago and looked freaking awesome!

My Mom is the same. As soon as I turned 16, the 'privilege' of calling her Mom in public disappeared. Completely. I was to refer to her as my sister. Oh my god and the day I called her to tell her I was pregnant? Holy shit! I felt like a 14 year old knocked up school girl! (I was 28...) I thought she was going to have an aneurism! She did not want to be a Grandma! She has got used to it now though, in fact she did very quickly after the initial shock... This is probably a good time to say that I had always sworn that I was never going to have kids. When I announced to the world I was pregnant, some people thought I was joking and continued to think I was joking until I had solid proof! My Mom doesn't look her age either, not that she is old and she would KILL me if I told anyone her real age. All I'm going to say is that she had me when she was 21 ;)

So yes, I grew up with the type of women that had cabinets full of anti aging serums/creams/scrubs all of which cost tons of money and claimed to work miracles. They try all the new fads that come out, possum sperm on the eyelids, juice from the anal gland of an orangutan to cure stretch marks, if David Attenborough or someone like him discovered that there was one single dinosaur left on the planet and that it's crushed up toenails sprinkled on to your morning eggs got rid of crows feet, I would be feeling very freaking sorry for that dinosaur... I would be telling it to run for it's life. Poor fucker survived the ice age, it certainly wouldn't survive those two!

I just cannot be bothered with all that. I mean, I don't want my boobs to hang down to my knees or my bowels to start misbehaving of course! But I am fully expecting for my crows feet to get worse, I am fully expecting to have droopy, saggy bits that I can't shift (Worse than now, because who am I kidding!) and I seriously think that I am going to embrace getting old. They say life begins at 40, I think that age is probably way past that now though, I mean years ago, you were lucky if you lived past 40! Life expectancy these days is around 80, I figure I have a long way left to go, so I may as well just enjoy it!


How do you feel about getting older?